The one where things went (a little bit) Pete Tong

I’m playing catch-up writing my blog, but never fear, I’m still on it with the open mics! I’ve done three performances since my last post. Friday (at The Escape Bar, Dalston) happened as planned, and I did something a little bit different on Sunday night - which I’ll tell you about in a future post (I like to keep you on tenterhooks :)). That means I ticked off two performances last week - and as they say two out of three ain’t bad - and am on track to do 3 this week, all being well. 

For this post though, I want to talk about Monday’s open mic (at the Bread and Roses in Clapham) while it’s fresh in my mind. This has been a quite difficult and strange post to write, for reasons that will become apparent - and I have some trepidation about publishing it. Feels a bit like exposing my soft underbelly for all the world to see - and showcasing both my musical failings and personality flaws (such as overthinking and dwelling on things)! But I'm gonna be brave and publish it anyway! Part of my motivation for this blog was to show that it’s normal when starting on a performing journey to struggle with anxiety, self-doubt and internal turmoil. And even brilliant and confident performers have often have had many painful experiences along the way. So in line with the ethos of what this blog is meant to be about, I want to be completely honest about my experience on Monday.

As always though, I want to share a bit about the open mic itself though. The Bread & Roses is a lovely venue, and they do various music and comedy events there. “Jack’s Open Mic club” happens there every Monday - and he also runs one on Sundays at The Railway Tavern in Tulse Hill. Jack was a friendly host, and was super-helpful when I contacted him in advance. There was a good mix of artists - mostly singer-songwriters but also a comedian and poet - as Jack's open mic is open to more than just musicians, but also "Comedy, Spoken Word, Dance, Magic, anything"!

Moving on to my own experience of the evening. So far I’ve avoided inviting friends to join me - as flying solo can take the pressure off, knowing that if I mess up it’s in front of people I never need to see again. This time I had company though - my friend Nick (who is also a singer-songwriter and would be performing), and my friend Nia who has come to stay with me for a few days. Having friends in the audience wasn't a huge stressor though.

What WAS very stressful about Monday was that we'd planned that I'd join Nick on stage for his set, as well as doing  a set of my own songs. Nick and I had decided to use this open mic as a trial run, as longer term I might be joining his band on rhythm guitar and some extra vocals. That'd give him the chance to play the great lead parts he has in several of his songs which are tricky to include live without a second guitarist. We’d even planned to play a couple of songs together at his next gig, coming up imminently this coming Saturday (22nd, at Escape Bar Dalston). So the Bread and Roses set was to test drive the songs for the upcoming gig. Admittedly, we were somewhat flying by the seat of our pants (or “pantsing it” as Nick put it - a great word I’m happy he introduced to my vocabulary!), because we’d last rehearsed the songs together before Christmas (we had to cancel our most recent practice when I got sick). But we'd both been practicing solo and were feeling comfortable individually, and thought we'd give it a shot!

Before I go any further, I owe it to you to tell you a bit about Nick and his music. His artist project is Eleanor Collides and you can follow him on Instagram here. He’s a wonderful songwriter - and I’ve been lucky enough to co-write a song with him. He has an EP and a handful of singles out on Spotify, Apple Music and Soundcloud - have a listen to his music here. And he’s always a pleasure to watch play live. 

So joining him on stage did feel a little nerve-wracking. On my 'solo' open mics I’ve only had myself to let down.  Monday was a whole different kettle of fish though - supporting Nick added a whole new level of pressure not to let him down! And as well as being someone whose music I respect, he’s a friend who I wanted to do right by. So I obviously wanted our performance to do him (and us) proud, and do justice to his great songwriting. To add to that, I know Nick can get nervous himself - and with his gig on the horizon I knew a decent dry run would give us both confidence ahead of that.

You can probably imagine what’s coming next. I’d love to to tell you that I absolutely nailed my part, we were utterly in sync, and the audience loved us. Sadly though, this particular story doesn’t (yet) have a Hollywood happy ending. In our opening track I made a litany of mistakes - with several dodgy chords or less than beautiful tone in my playing. It started off when I stumbled on a couple of chords early on in the song, which spiralled into a vicious cycle of increasingly frequent mistakes - each one exacerbating my nerves and stiffening my muscles further and so contributing to the next! 

Happily my contribution to the other songs wasn’t quite as disastrous, albeit it not exactly spectacular either. The second song might have been passable (I’ll admit it was all a bit of a blur by that point). But the damage was done and I left the stage feeling like I'd been a massive let-down, and that I was a bit of a fraud for having put myself forward as a guitarist skilled enough for Nick to rely on to support him, when clearly I was not up to scratch. That might have been a pretty negative overreaction, but in the immediate aftermath it was hard not to feel that way. And I want to share my story ‘warts and all’, including the reactions that in hindsight don't feel especially helpful. I'm a fairly sensitive person who can feel things quite intensely - especially before I've had time to process them. Luckily I’m feeling a hundred times more philosophical about the situation now that a couple of days have passed.

It's frustrating that the song I butchered was the one I knew the best, because it was the song we’d co-written - so what went wrong? I think I have an answer - which is quite helpful because its one I can solve with a bit of a change to my practice routine. It may sound trivial, but it was a major issue that using the mic made it virtually impossible to look at my guitar while singing (which was most of the song in this case). I’d never practiced this particular song with a mic, and had underestimated how much I was relying on visuals to guide my playing precision and tone. Unlike some case, I didn't seem to have internalised my ‘feel’ for the guitar part on this song without the visuals. That meant I was essentially fumbling in the dark while playing the guitar part! It wasn't helped by putting extra pressure on myself not to let Nick down, and not having enough recent experience performing together, but I honestly think those were minor factors - and the major learning for me is to practice my guitar parts by feel.

Nick of course was absolutely lovely about it. He did understandably express doubts about whether we’d be able to do justice to the songs together at his gig on Saturday - as did I! Even if I’d be practicing like a demon during the week I don't doubt it'd feel like a liability (my words not his!) for me to join him on stage - so would be bound to add to any nerves he already had about the gig. We talked briefly on the night about making the call there and then, but Nick said he’d like to sleep on it and would message me with thoughts the next day.

That night, lying awake, I found it hard to hold back the deluge of thoughts competing for space inside my head. In the grand scheme of things, this was a tiny hiccup. Nobody died. But a ton of emotions swirled through me. Regret and guilt at having inadvertently created a stressful situation for Nick, who might feel bad asking me not to play on Saturday, but would know that if I played it'd exacerbate his nerves after it had all gone Pete Tong the previous time. Foolishness for having put myself forward to give this a shot in the first place. And, I suppose, embarrassment that, having mentioned to a couple of people that I might play with Nick on Saturday, I'd now have to backtrack!

All valid feelings, but not massively constructive, so I'm on the case with channeling them into a more positive direction. To figure out a renewed practice plan that'll set me up to play confidently while singing into a mic. To plan a longer term rehearsal schedule with Nick to get to a place where we are totally confident performing together. And to remind myself (once again) not to bite off more than I can chew, or to over-promise and under-deliver! That last one might take a bit of work, given my personality traits include tons of enthusiasm, and an over-optimistic idea of what is achievable in a given amount of time! 🤣

So what did Nick decide in the end? Well, you may not be surprised to hear that he made what is very definitely the right call, for me to bow out gracefully this Saturday - leaving the door very much still open for future performances when we are ready. I will, of course, be going to Nick’s gig on Saturday to play an equally valuable role as an enthusiastic audience member. Do come and join me if you’re free - he's on at 8pm!

Tomorrow I’ll share my stories about last Friday’s and Sunday’s events, before I head to this week's second open mic tomorrow evening. I might have to force myself to go, as my confidence has taken a bit of a knock - but it's important to ‘get back on the horse’ quickly. I’m off now to practice, practice, practice for the rest of today and most of tomorrow, to make sure I have a decent 'comeback' to give me a bit of a boost :).

Finally - THANK YOU so much to everyone who is reading this blog. I’ve have several snippets of feedback from different people and it’s just so lovely to hear that people are reading it and hopefully enjoying it. This is by far my longest post, so I am especially grateful to anyone who’s read this far!!! It's also a bit self-indulgent (probably too much) and a touch repetitive - but it's been quite cathartic to write, and if even one person has found it insightful I'll be super happy. Onwards and upwards now! Much love to you all XXX